Monday, June 30, 2014  

[The meaning of life...]

I’ve been having these thoughts for the longest time. They keep coming to me and I keep pushing them out of my mind. Mainly because I don’t think I have the answers to the questions I’m asking myself.

We drag our weary selves to work every day, packed like sardines on public transport. We spend eight to nine hours at the office, working on things that sometimes don’t even matter. At the end of the day, we make our way home, again packed like sardines on public transport. And the next day, we get to do it all over again.

The only thing getting us through the week is the prospect of the coming weekend. When it’s finally here, we realise we have so much to do. All the things we wanted to do but had no time to do on weekdays fill our time on weekends. We would be lucky if we could get some rest and go back to work on Monday recharged.

Is this the meaning of life? Shouldn’t life be more than this?

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time. I’m beginning to realise that maybe a regular, nine to five, desk-bound job is not for me. I would love to be able to work from home, but most of these jobs are not too stable, and will probably not be able to pay me the amount I am earning at my current job.

I’ve thought about doing something on the side, something that would provide me a secondary source of income. And if it proves viable, I would quit my regular job and focus on it full-time. One of the options I’ve considered was working with a drop-shipper. I won’t go into the details, but this proved difficult when I started looking into the details. There will be quality-control and inventory issues. The biggest issue, I gather, is what if people purchase from me items that are out-of-stock on my drop-shipper’s side.

I’ve also considered being a writer. I have a few ideas about the possible storylines and fictional world that I could create. These days, it’s not too hard to write something and publish it yourself. However, I’m not sure if I am imaginative enough to take it all the way.

This question just comes back, again and again. It is something I cannot answer. I don’t know if I would ever be able to. I don’t find a lot of meaning in working for someone else. Working on things that, sometimes, don’t even matter. Am I destined to live my life like this till I’m old and grey?

Hopefully, I will find the answer to this question soon.

^^^ by Locksley @ 10:16 AM. 0 comments.
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Saturday, June 28, 2014  

[Addicted...]

^^^ by Locksley @ 9:23 PM. 0 comments.
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[Nom!]


^^^ by Locksley @ 9:22 PM. 0 comments.
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Friday, June 27, 2014  

[Bitter...]

Back in 2004, just before I completed my National Service, I started having backaches on a regular basis. I was young then and recovered from each episode fairly quickly, and had no other symptoms.

Over the years, I started having them on a regular basis. Sometimes, they would get so bad, I could not stand straight. I didn’t know it then, but I tore a disc in my back and part of it was sticking out.

I continued going about my normal activities. Going for ICTs, taking IPPTs. I remember the pain I would be in after each IPPT attempt. I believe it was due to the impact of the SBJ. I would not be able to stand properly for a few days after that.

I did try seeking treatment. When I was in Uni, I went to a Polyclinic to get it checked out. They took an x-ray and found nothing amiss. I now know that back problems like mine cannot be seen on an x-ray. I remember it was a junior doctor, guided by a senior doctor, who handled my case. The senior doctor could not be bothered at all, and from his tone, I think he did not believe I had a real problem. Probably just there to waste their time.

I lived with the constant backaches for years. 80% of the time, I would be in pain, ranging from very bad to just slightly uncomfortable.

Finally, about three or four years ago, something happened that prompted me to get additional treatment. I was outside and felt a very sharp pain in my back with every step I took with my right leg. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The pain was so intense and I didn’t know whether it would stop. It was one of the few times in my life when I was genuinely afraid. Luckily, the pain went away after about five minutes, and I could walk normally again.

I went for an MRI after that which confirmed the torn and slipped disc. Mystery solved. I was downgraded by the SAF.

All’s well that ends well? Hardly.

It was after confirming my condition that I started feeling bitter about a lot of things.  To this day, I’m not really sure who or what I am angry at. Perhaps at the situation. Maybe at the system. I don’t know. Let me explain.

When I was in Uni, I’ve worked with countless foreign students. Truth be told, at an individual-level, they are not that different from us. Some of them are smart, some are not so smart. Some are nice, some are bastards. Really, they’re not that different from us.

It was from my conversations with them that I learned they (at least the ones I spoke with) already had a University place back home. They were invited for a test, those who passed, was offered a place in the Universities here, tuition fully paid for, and they would get an allowance to boot. They were obliged to work here after graduation for a number of years, but as far as they knew, there was no way of enforcing this.

What about me? I spent two and a half years of my life serving the nation and had the darken skin and scars to show for it. I was dead broke, having to apply for financial aid to get through my three years in University. My lowest point was when I had no money on me, had only $3.21 in the bank, and could not buy something to eat when I was out. Upon graduation, I owed the bank and the University (oh, you thought the financial aid was with no strings attached?) over $20K. I didn’t know it then, but I also had a pretty severe back injury that I would have to live with for the rest of my life.

Doesn’t seem fair, does it? Why did the system treat outsiders better than the very people born and raised here, the very people who sacrificed their time and health for this country? Why?

And that’s not all.

When I learned of my condition, I was in the private sector. I subsequently changed jobs and went back to the public sector. Upon joining, the rule then was that I could not take medical leave for pre-existing conditions. While this seemed fair at first, to me, it means I was not allowed to take medical leave for an injury caused by the very same system. Of course, I recognise that for all intents and purposes, having only gone for the MRI about eight years after I was discharged from the Army, it would be hard to link this back to my time there, even though I am 100% sure I suffered the injury during my time there.

I was angry. I didn’t know at what. The situation, maybe. Or the system. In any case, I felt that it wasn’t fair.

Shortly after, the rules changed, and they allowed taking of medical leave for existing conditions. We still can’t take extended medical leave for existing conditions, but at least I felt this was more fair.

But this wasn’t the end of the story. No. Because of my existing condition, I had to be reviewed by a doctor every year. I just had my review, and it was an utter and complete waste of time. The doctor did not ask to see any documents, and it took him all of ten seconds to come to the conclusion that I should be checked again in a year’s time. The bill is footed by the public service, but the time spent is mine.

What’s the point of going for a medical review if that’s all the doctor’s going to do? Am I supposed to take time out of my life every year to do this? Over, and over again? Is this fair to me? Clearly, no. Who should I be mad at?

I’ve recently gotten my flat from HDB. One of the things that most flat-owners would purchase is an insurance plan for the mortgage payments. In the event that one party dies or is physically incapacitated before the payments are completed, this insurance plan would pay off the outstanding loan.

My wife’s policy has been approved. Me? They’re asking me to go for a medical check-up, before they could process my application. This insurance is administered by the Government, and my injury was sustained during service deemed mandatory by the Government. Surely, anyone could see the irony and how it must feel for someone being in this situation.

Yes, I’m bitter.

^^^ by Locksley @ 10:07 AM. 0 comments.
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Tuesday, June 17, 2014  

[Drowning in an ocean of thoughts...]

Over the years, I’ve found that life has gotten more and more complicated. I’ve got more and more responsibilities, and things I need to oversee. I have less time for myself, less time to recharge, and less time to just sit and think about things. Hell, I can't even remember the last time I had an afternoon nap on a weekend.

What I’ve always found to be helpful, when I’m feeling overwhelmed, is to slow down and divide the things on my mind into three separate domains – personal, work, and NS.

Truthfully, the only thing that weighs heavily on my mind for NS was IPPT and IPT/RT. They take up a lot of time, and is always a source of stress when time rolls around for me to attend the training sessions. Now that I’m downgraded and no longer required to take IPPT, I’ve more or less forgotten about NS. While I still have NS liability and responsibilities (I think I’ve gotten arrowed to be Area IC for our next Ops Manning), they weigh much lighter on my mind now. More of an after-thought, than anything else.

Big changes are afoot in my personal life. Got the keys to our new flat, and we are planning the renovation now. A project like this tends to be unstructured and I think this is the main reason why I find it so stressful. I’m structured and methodical by nature, so I don’t like being in a chaotic or unstructured situation. Coupled with the fact that I have special requirements for my wired home network, taking into consideration the possible configurations needed for different service providers only adds to the stress. The last thing I want is to overlook some small detail and realise the home network I have in mind cannot happen because of it.

Renovations aside, we also need to look for furniture, appliances, and home fixtures/fittings. Costs are spiralling out of control a little bit. While we can afford it, I am a little concerned that we will probably burst our budget and spend more than we originally intend to. It would be easy to get the cheaper (or even cheapest) items now to keep the costs low, but it wouldn’t do if the items we purchased don’t last very long. This is especially important for some of the bigger ticket items, or items that cannot be easily replaced (like air-con, for example). While it is very sobering to look at the costs now, I am also concerned that we may look back on this, some years down the road, and wished that we bought things that cost perhaps a little more but saved us several headaches later on.

Work-wise, I took my current job mainly because I simply had to leave my previous one. I wasn’t too happy with the offered pay. After spending more than nine months here, I’m not happy with the pace neither. It’s too slow. The pace at my first job was slow, but it wasn’t as slow as this. My second and third jobs were very fast-paced, and while I’m not looking for something like that (I don’t think the pace at those places is sustainable; I tend to burn-out a lot), the pace here is just too slow.

I’ve started casually looking around. One of the jobs I thought was suitable for me was listed on a job site that shows the profile of other applicants. Clicking on it, I saw other applicants with much more experience than I and their asking pay. Without going into the details, it was a sobering sight. I felt that their asking pay was very low and did not commensurate with their experience.

Judging by the years of experience they’ve got, there may be a possibility that they’ve gotten retrenched. The job listing asked for someone with 3-years’ experience, and it attracted applicants with 5, 10, even 13-years’ experience. Something doesn’t seem right here.

Now I’m wondering whether should I just stay where I am. I’m in the civil service now and about to get confirmed. That’s pretty much an iron rice-bowl and the chances of me losing my job is very low. Maybe instead of looking for something more fulfilling and pays more, I should just stay where I am.

I might as well stay and just do enough to get by. Draw a steady pay-check, and pump as much as I can into my investments, and try to retire by 55. I don’t know what to do right now. I will probably keep looking for another job, and rethink my situation again when I get confirmed. Maybe with the increment I’m supposed to get then, my pay wouldn’t seem so bad.

^^^ by Locksley @ 4:24 PM. 0 comments.
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Monday, June 02, 2014  

[Sweet dreams...]

The bell rang, and it’s time to go to my next class.

I step out of my classroom. I don’t really have a clear idea of where I should go, but I know it is somewhere on the ground floor. Maths, not my favourite subject.

I made my way down to the ground floor. For some reason, I couldn’t find the classroom. Where I recall the classrooms were, are now occupied by club houses and storage rooms.

I ran back up the stairs and realise that I am lost. I have no idea where am I supposed to go. My legs are getting heavier. I drag them along, trying to run, or at least jog, and expanding a considerable of effort with each step.

As I dragged my heavy feet through the corridors, I see the faces in the classrooms I pass by. None of them looked familiar, but some of them seemed to know me. Some of them smiled. Some nodded their heads upwards, as if to say, “What’s up?”

My brain decided that its had enough. I woke up. Took me a few moments to realise this was all a dream, and I’m lying in bed, definitely not looking for my maths class. I left school (at least, the one in my dream) 16 years ago, and I’m still having dreams (maybe nightmares?) about it. I wonder why. Is it because it was, overall, an unpleasant (or dare I say, traumatic) experience?

And here’s the other thing. For some reason, in many of my dreams, I am late for something, I am running, and my feet are so heavy and difficult to move. I wonder why.

^^^ by Locksley @ 10:10 PM. 0 comments.
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